Married Women and Sex

I blog on this topic with great caution.  But, let me start the same way I did yesterday.  In 30 years of serving as a pastor I have done pre-marital counseling with MANY couples.  After the marriage, I ask the couple to meet with me for a six month check up.  I’ll never forget the couple who upon asking them whether there had been any surprises in those first six months, the wife said, “I never realized men had such a strong(translated ’strange’) sexual desire.”  After 36 years of marriage and talking with hundreds of couples I think that in general it’s fair to say that a husband’s sexual desire is quite different from his wife’s.

With this difference in mind, let’s go back to God’s wise, but seemingly strange design for sexuality.  Like I said to the husbands yesterday, let me repeat to you wives…the giving and receiving of sex must never be abstracted from the giving and receiving of the whole person.  I charged the men to seek Christ so that they could “rejoice in the wife of their youth” because God designed a woman’s true nature to be deeply relational.  But ladies, God designed men with a sexual desire that is very significant to their true nature.  In marriage you receive the whole person, including a man’s “strange” sexual nature.

One of my wife’s favorite blogs is “girltalk”.  This is a mom & daughters’ blog featuring Carolyn Mahaney (the mom) who is the wife of CJ Mahaney (the director of Sovereign Grace Ministries whose music Gale loves).  In CJ’s book, ‘Sex, Romance and the Glory of God’, Carolyn has a chapter entitled A Word to Wives, in which she tells the story of a leadership conference at which she facilitated a discussion panel for wives.

As she tells the story, a woman from the audience asked the question: “What is one thing you have learned that encourages your husband the most?”  As the other women in the panel answered, Carolyn pondered her response.  Let me quote her: “I know what CJ’s answer would be, but dare I say that here?  Suddenly it was my turn.  ‘Make love,’ I blurted out.  ‘That’s what my husband would say if he were here!’  The room erupted in a wave of nervous, knowing laughter.”   Carolyn goes on to say: “And because sex is God’s idea, we (women) glorify God when we cultivate sexual desire for our husbands and welcome their sexual desire for us.”

Let me stop and clearly state that a whole man is  much more than sexual desire…he is called by Christ to be a relational, spiritual leader in his home.  But let me suggest that you take some time and talk with your husband about his view of the role of the marriage bed  in encouraging his pursuit of this relationship in marriage.  Like I said to the husbands yesterday, let me also say to the wives…you must also pursue Christ for the grace to joyfully receive the whole person, which includes the dynamics of a husband’s sexual desire.

Obviously a man’s sexual desire can be corrupted and dysfunctional.  And a woman’s sexuality can be deeply affected by hurt & abuse.  The next blog will attempt to address this.

Married Men & Sex

After 30 years of being a pastor, I have noticed a common theme.  Whenever a married couple comes in with relational problems, the husband will inevitably talk about their sex life (of lack of…).  The point is pretty straight forward – sex is the fruit of a relationship, the relationship is not the fruit of sex.

Men need to hear this.  Our culture promotes sex as a commodity to satisfy an appetite.  But the bible is clear.  Sex must never be a commodity that you abstract from the whole person.  It is contrary to your true nature to receive somebody’s body without receiving their whole self in a self-giving, covenant relationship where you make the other person’s well being your priority & responsibility.

This is what makes pornography so terribly corrosive to a healthy sex life in marriages.  In pornography, you are “enjoying” the commodity of sex totally apart from the person.  Pornography acclimates the human heart to think of sex as completely abstracted from the whole person.  But having an intimate relationship with a real women is so much more complex.  It’s scary because we often don’t know what to do.  And real women often don’t look or act like the women in pornography.

Men, marital sex begins with joyfully receiving your wife as a whole person with all of the complexities it might invovle.  “May your fountain be blessed, AND MAY YOU REJOICE IN THE WIFE OF YOUR YOUTH” (Prov. 5:18).  Men, does your wife know how much she means to you?  Does she know, because you tell her, that of all the women in the world she is ravishingly beautiful to you?  If you need help in knowing how to express this then come to Men’s Fraternity on Thursday mornings.  This is one of our topics.

How important is “rejoicing in the wife of your youth”?  Proverbs 30:21-23 is a 3/4 poem that talks about terror.  Wisdom says: 

“Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up:  a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food,  an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.

There is only one thing more scary than a wife that has been dumped for another woman…and that is an married woman who feels unloved.  Men, God gave you sexual desire so you might learn to love your wife well as a whole person not an object of sexual gratification.  Christ will give you all the grace you need to offer this precious gift to your wife if you will humbly seek Him.

The Word & the Holy Spirit from John 14, 15 &16

Over the last couple of weeks in our Sunday community group we have been looking at John 14-16. One of the major themes of that section is the work of the Holy Spirit in the life of a disciple. As Jesus prepares his disciples for his departure, Jesus makes some pretty radical statements…

 

John 14:15-17  

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.

 

John 14:25-26

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

 

John 15:26-27

“But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me. And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning.

 

John 16:7-8

7 Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you. 8 And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: 9 concerning sin, because they do not believe in me; 10 concerning righteousness, because I go to the Father, and you will see me no longer; 11 concerning judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged.

 

John 16: 12-15

 “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. 14 He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you. 15 All that the Father has is mine; therefore I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.

 

 

Take a look at the brief video I have included to hear a little more about these incredible promises that Jesus gives to those who follow him.

 

~ Seth

Victory Shared

As many of you know, we have participated in Men’s Fraternity this year. It has been a wonderful experience and I am so proud of the committed men who stuck it out for a 23 week program. I praise God for Men’s Fraternity at BEP and for our men. We truly have godly men here who love the Lord, their wives and families. I have heard inspiring stories of mundane sacrifice and loyal, daily service. It is a joy to be in such a fraternity of brothers.

It is the idea of fraternity that has struck me today. One of my roles each week is to provide a warm up video or movie clip to kick start our Thursday morning Men’s Fraternity meeting. For this week’s video I chose footage from the 1980 oylympics  when the US performed the “miracle on ice” by defeating the heavily favored Russian hockey team. While this is one of the greatest sports stories of all time, what I was struck by today was something I learned during my research of that exciting event.

During the award ceremony something phenomenal happened. At that time only the captains of the team we’re allowed to stand on the podium while the rest of team stood below to receive their prize. As the Star Spangled Banner played the captains of the US team standing their above their teammates motioned for the others  to join them on the podium. There they stood huddled together, embracing, laughing  and enjoying their victory in community and receiving their prize together.What a different view of our victory in Christ!

I don’t want to suggest that somehow our salvation is a cooperate experience- that we are saved by being in the Church or by simply being in  the fraternity of believers. This actually is a harmful doctrine that has circulated more than once through the Church.

But think of a different picture. First, of our Captain motioning to us to join Him on the victor’s stage to receive our prize, not that we had earned- but that he has earned on our behalf and has graciously bestowed to us. Imagine what it will feel like to stand with Jesus victorious knowing fully that we did nothing to earn our spot in the winner’s circle. Secondly, imagine the community of people in which are part of your story, your team mates- the fraternity of brothers and sisters; those co-racers who have run the race at your side. Imagine yourselves standing their together, each rejoicing in what the Captain has done for you individually in salvation and corporately in your shared life together. Imagine yourselves huddled together, embracing, laughing  enjoying the gift of victory in community and receiving your prize together.

 

Your co-racer & team mate…happy to be on the podium with you,

~ Seth

Read, Revel & Ressurection Day

Easter has got me thinking about the Resurrection ,as I guess it should, but this year I am realizing in an especially poignant way the beauty and benefit of Christ’s  Resurrection. The historic creed called the Heidelberg Catechism explains this benefit in the form of a simple question.

What does the “resurrection” of Christ profit us?

Answer: First, by his resurrection he has overcome death, that he might make us partakers of that righteousness which he had purchased for us by his death; (a) secondly, we are also by his power raised up to a new life; (b) and lastly, the resurrection of Christ is a sure pledge of our blessed resurrection. (c)

  With this in mind, I thought I would simply share a few passages of Scripture for you to read and revel in this Easter. Enjoy.

 

1 Corinthians 15:20-26

 ²⁰But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. ²¹For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. ²²For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. ²³But each in his own turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. ²⁴Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. ²⁵For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. ²⁶The last enemy to be destroyed is death.

1 Corinthians 15:52b-54

For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[

Romans 6:5-10

 ⁵If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. ⁶For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,^[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— ⁷because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.  ⁸Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. ⁹For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. ¹⁰The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God

John 16: 20-22

²⁰I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²²So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

Ephesians 1:11-14

¹¹In him we were also chosen,^[e] having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, ¹²in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. ¹³And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, ¹⁴who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

 

 

There’s no place like home

Oh if we could snap our heels and be home! I have been reading a book by Dr. Tim Keller that has been causing me to long for home.  Listen to what he says in his book The Prodigal God

“Home then is a powerful but elusive concept. The strong feelings surround it reveal some deep longing within us for a place that absolutely fits ands suits us, where we can be our true selves. Yet it seems that no real place or actual family ever satisfies these yearnings…” He goes on to say “ there seems to be a sense, then, in which we are alike the younger brother (the prodigal son). We are all exiles longing for home. We are always traveling, never arriving. The houses and families we actually inhabit are only inns along the way, but there aren’t home. Home continues to evade us.”

It  so just happened that this week in our Sunday community that we are studying John 14:1-14 where Jesus says

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

As Jesus prepared for his departure, he comforted his disciples with a picture of their true home where Creation is restored; where death is dead; where hearts can’t make idols; a place where misfits fit; a place where joy has swallowed up sorrow; a true home. What makes this a true home? Because Jesus is there!

What a hope for Easter as we ponder our Savior’s death & departure! What a hope that He will come back and take us to be with Him that we may be where He is. Oh there’s no place like home!

~Seth

John Wesley on Gossip

John Wesley (1703-1791) was a founder of the Methodist movement that would become the Methodist Church. Understanding the importance of integrity and words, he required all Methodist pastors to sign a covenant . The covenant summarizes the biblical principles for how you deal with hearing a bad report about another with integrity. The six points of the covenant are listed below. Consider applying them in your own life if you hear a bad report about another.

1. That we will not listen or willingly inquire after ill concerning one another.

2. That if we do hear any ill of each other, we will not be forward to believe it.

3. That as soon as possible we will communicate what we hear by speaking or writing to the person concerned.

4. That until we have don this we will not write or speak a syllable to any other person.

5. That neither will we mention it after we have done this to any other person.

6. That we will not make any exception to any of these unless we thing ourselves absolutely obliged in conference.

1.

3.

4

5

Unless a grain of wheat falls…

   And Jesus answered them; “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls  into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  

John 12:23-28 (ESV)

As we approach Easter, it struck me how overly negative and solemn I often think Easter is. I realize thoughts of our Lord’s Crucifixion should bring a level of grief and mourning. Even Jesus grieved, and even dreaded the thought of his death  and his Father’s wrath.   After all the purpose of the cross- that is my sin- should make me sad.

Yet, here are three reasons from this passage why I should embrace Easter with triumphant joy- that is a hope that overcomes sorrow.~ Seth

One. Jesus is glorified in his death. The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified.  Christ hung on the cross as a target of the Father’s wrath yet as a emblem of the Father’s mercy. Calvary was justice and grace as glory and true beauty.

Two. He died to bring us into community with him and multiply life through and in  us.  Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone.  I was taken by the wording here. To me, Christ’s death seemed the loneliest event in history. And surely as Jesus asked his Father why he had forsaken him, it must have been unspeakably lonely, but here Jesus reveals thaT the purpose of his death was in some way community. This relationship with him would be  like wheat that consumes a meadow with life and rich and vibrant health. Jesus knew that on the other side of the cross was a place of intimacy with his Father and his Bride.

Three. He died to bear much fruit. But if it dies, it bears much fruit. Jesus would go on to say in the next  few verses (v31-32)  that the the ruler of this world be dethroned and sin and death would be triumphed by the Cross and Resurrection, and that when he is lifted up he would draw ( literally haul) the world to himself. At least two fruits of the Gospel is the death of death and Triune God’s glory filling creation. Surely this is more than enough for me be happy at Easter!

So here’s my Easter resolution. I am going to attempt the complicated task of mourning and celebrating in the same breadth. What if I could mourn my sin while rejoicing my victory in Christ over it? What if I can weep over the pain our Lord suffered while  exalting the glory of his sacrifice? Can I fear God’s stark holiness and still boldly enter his throne room? Can I cry “have mercy on me a sinner” while exclaiming “Abba Father!”?

This seems complicated, but I think its worship.

~Seth

Tell me about your Easter experiences

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of the churches’ celebration of Easter (Lent). For the next 6 Sundays we will be preparing to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus on the 7th Sunday of Lent – Easter. Why 7 weeks? Because the early church counted back 40 days from Easter Sunday (excluding Sundays) to remember Jesus’ 40 days of fasting in the wilderness as He began His ministry. For over 1,000 years the church has begun this Easter season by placing upon followers of Jesus the mark of ashes, an Old Testament and New Testament sign of penance…confession & sorrow for sin. The season begins here because Easter celebrates the great price Jesus paid to cover our sins on the cross and the hope of new life his resurrection guarantees. Obviously BEP didn’t celebrate Ash Wednesday. But I would like your feedback about how we can make this season of Lent more meaningful in the life of BEP. What have been your experiences that have enriched your celebration of the Easter season?

A Simple, Powerful Prayer

This morning I came across this simple prayer by Augustine. He prays so much in so few words.

“Tend thy sick ones, O Lord Jesus Christ; rest the weary ones; soothe thy suffering ones; shield thy joyous ones; and all for thy Love’s sake.”

Augustine was the Bishop of Hippo in Northern Africa (354-430). One of the most influential Christian thinkers of all time. Two books he wrote worth reading. “Confessions” (his autobiography, an easy read). “City of God” (written after the fall of Rome, not so easy a read).